Although Christmas is a time to express joy, generosity and love with the people that we care about, our family and friends; it’s also a time that can magnify sadness, lack and loss. In this world of dualities, when the Spirit of togetherness and belonging are so strong, the polar opposite of loneliness and isolation can also occur.
It can be tough being confronted with disappointment and grief at the time of year that is loaded with expectations to feel differently. Remembering loved ones who have passed on; broken relationships; let downs from friends; hardships and struggles in our current situation; can all invoke feelings that somehow seem taboo during this time of celebration.
HELP ON GETTING THROUGH IT
ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEELINGS
Acknowledging how you feel reduces your internal resistance and helps you to process and eventually transform and release your difficult emotions.
Your feelings don’t disappear just because you ignore them and suppressing them only creates more internal pressure within your mind and body that eventually just wants OUT!
According to Alex Korb, https://alexkorbphd.com/ IUCLA Neuroscience researcher who wrote: The Upward Spiral; the act of being able to label your emotions actually reduces their effect on your brain.
Korb cites an MRI study, titled “Putting Feelings into Words” where participants viewed pictures of people with emotional facial expressions. Predictably, each participant’s amygdala activated to the emotions in the picture. But when they were asked to name the emotion, the ventrolateral prefrontal cortex activated and reduced the emotional amygdala reactivity.” So by actively labeling the emotions, the emotional impact on participants was reduced.
So, seek to find some words to describe the emotion that you’re feeling e.g. anger, grief, despair, disappointment, guilt, regret….and just the act of labeling your emotions reduces your reaction to them.
ALLOW YOURSELF TO REALLY FEEL IT
Let yourself really sink into the feeling that you are experiencing in your body. Where do you feel it in your body the most? Does it have a specific sensation, temperature, texture or even colour attached to it? Now…let yourself really feel it without resistance. What we resist persists, so the key to getting through it is not resisting it, but to really feel it.
If you want to cry, let yourself cry; if it feels like a deep black hole inside you, just let yourself sink into it and just sit in that feeling for a few minutes. If it feels like a hot ball of rage, there is usually grief and sadness underneath it….sink into that. If you are afraid, sink into the fear.
The act of experiencing your emotions will not kill you…. but trying to avoid what you’re feeling can lead to behaviours that can have a detrimental effect on your physical, emotional and psychological health. Feeling your emotions is an act of befriending them and through befriending them, we can find our way through them.
TRANSFORMING YOUR EMOTIONS
One extremely effective way of transforming difficult emotions is through E.F.T. (Emotional Freedom Technique). This technique involves tapping on certain acupuncture points which actually releases the physical, mental and emotional charge that can be felt within the body.
So, after labeling your emotions, befriending them and transforming the felt sense within your body by using the tapping technique, you can then redirect your focus towards cultivating gratitude.
CULTIVATING GRATITUDE
Gratitude literally makes us feel better because it activates the region of the brain stem that produces dopamine and dopamine makes us feel good. Another positive effect of gratitude is that it boosts the production of serotonin, which enhances our mood during daylight hours.
So you can positively alter your biochemistry by asking yourself this important question: what are you grateful for? The asking of the question is the important part because remembering things to be grateful for, stimulates the efficacy of neurons in the pre-frontal cortex of the brain, as Korb also explains.
Expressing gratitude within your relationships also creates a positive social effect that can enhance the happiness of the individuals within the relationship. Everyone likes being appreciated, it’s that simple! So expressing thanks to your deserved loved ones is beneficial for all involved.
SEEK SOLACE THOUGH OTHERS STORIES
Part of the struggle with experiencing painful emotions is that we can feel quite alone in our suffering. Hearing or reading stories of how others have gotten through their own internal struggles can help us realise that we’re not alone in ours and this can help reduce our overwhelm.
One book that beautifully articulates overcoming these internal struggles is “Healing through the Dark Emotions” by Miriam Greenspan. https://miriamgreenspan.com/
FIND THE GOLD WITHIN
Finally, allow your painful emotions to cause you to become so unsatisfied with them and the life experience that they produce, that you learn to transcend them, not by avoiding them but instead by going through them. Like the alchemist, who turns lead into gold, find the gold within your experience.
Buried within my most painful life experiences, I have always discovered a greater truth that has led to deeper understanding and an illumination of the Spirit of Life within me, and if you’re struggling with your own difficult emotions, I wish the same for you.
In Love and Recognition of the regenerative Spirit of Life within YOU.
TRUE HEALING IS THE REALIZATION THAT THERE WAS Never anything TO HEAL in the first place
The principle of healing, be that physical, mental, emotional or vibrational, is that there never was and never is anything to heal in the first place.
I realize that may sound like a paradox, especially coming from someone who has worked in the “healing industry” for over a decade, but the truth is, I have never called myself a “healer”.
Healing implies that there is something to fix within the individual seeking healing, but the quintessential nature of every human being, is vibrant life force energy expressing itself in the fullness of health and wellness. So if anything, healing is merely a return to that original state of being.
Seekers of healing are often focused on what they perceive to be wrong within their body, mind and emotions. Much time, money and valuable energy can be spent on these perceived “wrongs”.
The key here is that the perceived “wrongs” of illness, and dis-ease are simply experiences, and experiences are not permanent states of being. These experiences of illness and disease are changing expressions of impermanent imbalances, disruptions or blockages of the natural, vibrant energy that sustains all life.
When people identify with these experiences of imbalance and forget their natural way of expressing health and vitality, they can form chronic conditions of pain, illness and disease that they can sometimes mistake as their permanent state of being. In doing so, they essentially cut themselves off from this ever flowing source of life force energy that brings about the very “healing” mechanisms that they seek.
Healing is really more of an allowing, it’s a stepping out of the way of the innate wisdom within the body/mind, allowing it to organize its myriad of functions that create balance, equanimity and harmony and flow.
REMEMBER YOUR ESSENTIAL NATURE
Your essential nature is energy. Some people call that energy: God, Source Energy, Universal Intelligence, The Unified Field, Consciousness, Spirit. It doesn’t matter what you call it, that energy and its infinite combination of waves, particles, atoms, molecules and cells is what forms YOU. This energy is your whole and complete essential nature. It is the same energy that the earth, moon, sun and entire universe is made up of!
Returning to your essential nature requires your attention to be focused on the vital life force within you NOT on whatever you perceive to be the “wrong”. It is an act of remembering your “rightness”, your innate perfection, the precise and unique architecture of your exquisitely intricate mind and body.
This returning to your essential nature involves trusting your body and mind. Do you consciously tell your autonomic nervous system to activate all of the physiological processes involved in digestion? Do you tell your pancreas to excrete the insulin required to allow glucose into the cell for energy consumption? No, you trust the innate wisdom of your body/mind to do this naturally.
Healing is surrendering with confidence, to your natural ability to find balance. On the physical level, its called homeostasis – the body’s natural ability to return to a state of cellular equilibrium. On the mental/emotional level its called letting go and returning to your natural state of peace and harmony.
RE-FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION
You may have heard it said “Where your attention goes, your energy flows” which means that whatever your attention is focused upon, e.g. what you perceive as being wrong, or right, will increase.
On the emotional level, focusing on things to be grateful for and the things that we can appreciate about our life, actually release our good feeling hormones, endorphin’s. So not only does the practice of gratitude redirect our attention and energy away from our perceived “wrongs”, it also gives us a chemical boost that enhances our ability to feel good, which in turn, promotes healing mechanisms within our body and mind.
BE CONSCIOUSLY AWARE
Although healing is first about remembering your essential nature and then letting go and surrendering to this vital life force within you it is NOT about being unconscious of the process.
Many would say that consciousness IS healing, and this state of conscious awareness can then guide you to intuitively take any necessary actions that may promote and assist you and your body/mind to come back home to wholeness and health. The key here is that YOU are the life force energy that guides this process.
AREAS YOUR INNER HEALER MAY GUIDE YOU TO
Some areas of health that you may intuitively feel require your attention could be:
Nutrition and hydration
Movement/exercise
Emotional outlets
Psychological processing/Psychotherapy
Massage/bodywork
Talking therapy/Counseling/coaching
Meditation/Breath-work
Forgiveness/Releasing Fear
The invitation is to trust your inner healer and the guidance that you get through your thoughts, feelings and senses and let them lead the way to the full expression of your health and well being
Your natural state of being is radiant, vital, flowing life force energy and healing is simply a returning, a reconnecting to your natural state. So from this perspective, there is nothing to, and never was anything to heal….it’s simply a matter of remembering who and what you already are!
Manifestation involves bringing into reality that which you consciously desire for your life. Being able to do so in an ongoing way requires you to be clear about what it is that you desire in the first place and for this to then be attainable, your desires must align with your personal values, sounds obvious right?
Well it is and yet sometimes the course of life carries us along, and we can get so busy attending to various commitments that crop up, e.g. family; mortgages; careers; health challenges and general life admin, that we can lose touch with the things that we most deeply desire for ourselves and our lives.
Let’s consider that there is no external power or force that can give you the life of your dreams nor is there any external power or force that is to blame if your life is not what you want it to be. If you don’t like the life you’re currently living, YOU can change it and if you’ve simply got stuck on the treadmill of existence and want more than your current reality….read on
Get clear about what you want
Given that desires and values change throughout the course of life, self awareness is vital in being able to identify what your personal values are and what it is that you truly desire, and this will differ when you are 20 compared to when you are 80.
Some questions that might help to guide you are:
What excites you or what used to excite you when you were a kid?
Where do you feel the most joy in your life e.g. what activities, people help to tap you into this
What creates the greatest sense of harmony, peace, contentment for you?
What do you enjoy the most about what you already do?
Does it align with your core values?
If what you want to achieve or attain does not align with your underlying values, the manifestation of your desires will be sabotaged.
An example of core values might be:
Being authentically fulfilled in your primary relationship
Having a career that allows you to live a healthy life
Having the time to invest in family, and important relationships
Living a life where harmony and peace, joy and fun are a priority
Having an altruistic aspect to your work/life
Earning an income that supports your chosen lifestyle and allows you to be able to assist others through donating to charities and/or contributing to society through other acts of generosity
Living in a sustainable way that reduces your ecological footprint
How will you feel when it’s your reality
Literally imagine your desired outcome. Close your eyes and sink into your body. How will you feel? Have you ever felt this way before? Remember that feeling…the physical sensation in your body/mind/emotions. Allow your mind theatre to take you into this new reality like a dream, and summon up the feelings that emerge when you’ve achieved that goal. The important part here is to feel it in the present moment as if it has already occurred. Let the emotion well up from inside you like a fountain and stay in that emotional state for as long as you can. REPEAT DAILY.
Celebrate others who have achieved what you want to achieve
Instead of allowing feelings of jealousy, envy or self pity to contaminate your desires, celebrate with others who have achieved their goals as if they were you. This good intention creates a positive feedback loop that reinforces the vibrational state that you cultivate when you access your own feelings about achieving your goals. This practice aligns your energy field with that which you intend to manifest and assists you in bringing it into your reality.
Be undivided in your intention
If you have clarity about your desired outcomes as they align with your core values, anything other than your intended outcome is simply a distraction. Whether you’re suffering from an onslaught of self doubt, unwelcome judgements from others or material hurdles, they’re all just distractions from your intended outcome.
The key here is to acknowledge the distraction and then take your focus, attention and energy back to your desired outcome.
Take an action step towards your goal every day
Even if you only have 15 minutes spare, take that step, write that email, make that phone call, go for that walk/run, get out that canvas, sit down at that piano, cook that new recipe, deposit that money. Bit by bit, those 15 minutes turn into hours, days, weeks months and years and before you know it you’re looking back on what you’ve already achieved!
Take breaks to re-energize
It’s important to listen to your body and rest when your energy is starting to fade. Your goals will never be achieved if you break in the process of achieving them and so your health and vitality is paramount. Discouragement can set in when we feel fatigued and then start making mistakes as a result, so avoid this by giving yourself a break from time to time, switch that computer off…it will still be there tomorrow (just make sure you’ve saved your draft!!).
Keep going
This cartoon image sums up my final point beautifully
NEVER GIVE UP; YOU MAY BE CLOSER TO REACHING YOUR GOALS THAN YOU THINK!
All the best in whatever it is you’re intending to manifest!
We are often creatures of habit and even when it is in our best interests to make certain changes in our lives, the internal resistance that we may encounter when we attempt to make a change, can create a powerful force, opposing the very changes that we seek.
EMPOWERMENT MOTIVATES; FEAR AND GUILT PARALYSES.
If a proposed change or action invokes a sense of fear or guilt in the recipient, the feeling that is generated, is generally not one of motivation or of the inspiration to change. The resulting feelings are more likely to be: apathy, disinterest, powerlessness and hopelessness instead of a sense of empowerment, positive choice and action.
ALIGNMENT WITH CORE VALUES
In order to embark on significant change of any kind, we have to consciously and subconsciously be able to “buy into it”. By this, I mean that it is essential that the proposed change aligns with our core values. This alignment creates the durability required to endure the process of change, which isn’t always easy. If your core values do not align with the changes you wish to create, any changes made will usually be short lived and will not be sustainable.
We must therefore be aware of what our core values are to begin with. If we realise that our core values do not align with the new changes that we want to create, we can then choose to repostition and adjust those values to fit with our desired goals. Then our values become the foundation that drives and empowers us in achieving the changes we seek.
PREREQUISITES FOR CHANGE
The following beliefs/prerequisites are essential in making and succeeding with a decision to change. Like core values, the underlying beliefs that a person has must be aligned with the desired changes that they wish to make in order to achieve success.
WE NEED TO BELIEVE:
That the change we seek is beneficial, that it will make a positive difference to us, to others or to the world we live in.
That it is actually possible to achieve.
That we have the power, ability, skill, support and resources to change.
That we are fully capable of implementing a specific action or behavior.
That we have the courage to face our emotional vulnerability that can be exposed when changing habits of a lifetime.
WE NEED TO BE WILLING:
To identify our resistance to change.
To identify how our resistance actually serves or protects us.
To examine any adverse consequences that we perceive could result from the change that we wish to make.
WE NEED TO FEEL:
That our desire for the positive outcomes we seek is greater than the energy required to implement the changes.
That our desire to change outweighs the comfort and familiarity of our current reality or state.
If we identify a dissonance or misalignment in any of the above prerequisites to change, these may require further exploration with a therapist or life coach because without alignment, success is undermined.
THE SEMANTICS OF SUCCESS
If we are truly intent on making a specific change in our lives, often we need to alter the words that we use, both in our minds as thoughts, as well as our speech. We need to eradicate the word CAN’T from our vocabulary and begin to entertain the possibility that whatever we want to change is in fact achievable.
Instead of beginning sentences that shut down your own ability or limit possibilities such as:
I don’t; I won’t; I’m not; It’s too difficult; It’s too hard; No…..
CATCH YOURSELF and replace them with:
I could try; I’ll have a think about it; I can; I will; It’s challenging but possible; It’s tricky but achievable; Yes….
THERE ARE NO PROBLEMS; ONLY SOLUTIONS
This is not denial of the very real threats and problems that do exist for us in our lives and in our world, its more of an attitudinal position that we can adopt that supports us in moving towards solving the issues we face rather than giving them the power to stop us reaching our goals.
This solutions based principle applies whether we are responding to the global call to alter the current trajectory of climate change, or to the challenge of making profound personal changes that improve our health, relationships, living circumstances, families, working lives, society, country, world and planet.
How often do you dim your light down for fear of shining too brightly?
In many ways, our society today is more accepting than ever, yet there still remain aspects within it that point fingers and ostracize others for being different. Standing out, being unique or expressing a point of view that may not be very popular, can sometimes feel like dangerous territory.
On a personal level, trauma from the past such as physical, sexual or emotional abuse, being picked on, bullied or made fun of just for being yourself, can lead you to shutting down the expression of your pure, essential nature.
The result of shutting down your essential nature is that it creates blockages in your body’s energetic systems, the meridians and the chakras. These blockages have a detrimental effect on your physical body, as well as your mental and emotional states.
It actually takes a lot of energy to diminish the expression of the life force within you. Your natural state of being is to radiate, to be creative, to flow, to change and to grow. To slow or stunt this natural outward movement of energy is to internalize it which leads to stagnation and eventual suffering.
If you have been blessed enough to have always received encouragement in all of your pursuits, encountered success in all of your endeavours and have always had a sense of self confidence that only ever resulted in praise, then this message is not for you.
This message is for those of you who have experienced self doubt that led to inner paralysis; ridicule that led to crippling shame; or punishment for merely being you that led you to hiding your natural radiant light. So somewhere along the way, you decided that it wasn’t okay to be the most authentic, truest version of yourself.
The outcome of this decision may have led you to making life choices that did not and do not reflect your true desires, e.g. life partner, career, health and lifestyle, home, social circle and ultimately your passion for life.
Then, throughout the course of life, you forgot that you ever made this decision to stop being your truest self in the first place. Instead, a gradual feeling of dissatisfaction eventually crept in on you leaving you feeling that whatever you now have, whatever you find yourself doing, wherever you are, and whoever you’re with….that somehow it’s not enough, that something is missing and that something doesn’t quite fit.
It’s at this stage that you can make the error of thinking and feeling that what doesn’t quite fit….is you. This can lead to feeling like a victim of your own life and externalizing your power by projecting it onto others and giving them power over you. Once you have externalized your power, you have abdicated responsibility for your own life and therefore hold everyone and everything else accountable for your own happiness or your own misery.
Now, you feel REALLY powerless, because you’ve given away your inner authority. Perhaps you now need to numb the loss of your true self through alcohol, drugs, or food. Either that, or you distract yourself with work, work and more work to earn more and more money to satisfy what need? The need to avoid the emptiness and pain inside. Like a boat without a rudder, you are tossed around by the storms of life, or by your own body, mind and emotions that are now rebelling against you because YOU FORGOT YOURSELF! The thing that you feel is missing…..is YOU!
Okay….take a breath, this can be a difficult realization to arrive at.
If you’ve come to this stage of awareness, how do you connect again with that long lost part of yourself and turn up your inner light to let yourself shine again?
Get Really Still
Sit still in a chair with your feet on the ground, or sit on the ground or lay down. Connect with your breathing, feel your body rise and fall with your inhalation and exhalation. Feel the aliveness in your body, the subtle sense of vibration or tingling inside your skin, this is your life force energy.
Feel What you Feel
Ask yourself: What do you feel physically? Then “listen” to the sensations that your body may feed back to you. Become aware of any tension in your muscles, any pain, heat or cold, tingling or any other physical sensation that you may experience without resisting it.
Then ask yourself: What do you feel emotionally? Then “listen” to any particular emotion that surfaces; joy, peace, love, excitement, anger, grief, regret, fear, shame. Just notice whatever emotion you are feeling without resisting it.
FORGIVE YOURSELF
No matter why you decided to dim your light down, whatever happened to you that caused you to decide not to express the most authentic version of yourself and to hide your essential nature from the world……Forgive yourself! You were responsible for choosing to diminish your light, therefore you need to be responsible for claiming back your true power and shine again. You do this by forgiving yourself.
Make a new decision to shine now
You’re still alive and there is no time like the present, so don’t waste a single moment more by regretting the time that you spent dimming your light down. Shine baby shine…..shine like the sun because that is what you were born to do. Shine in your unique way that only you can do!
Ask yourself: What does the deepest part of me deserve?
Ask yourself: What does the deepest part of me desire?
Pay attention to what arises in response to these questions and make a commitment to listen to the answers and follow them….this is how you express your own unique light and let it shine brightly.
This is the way back home to yourself.
I’d like to share a poem written by Marianne Williamson that expresses this truth so beautifully.
Our Greatest Fear
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, Our presence automatically liberates others.
—Marianne Williamson
I wish you the courage to be your truest self and to let your essential nature radiate and shine brilliantly which is your ultimate purpose.
As we are now half way through the year and we’ve passed the shortest day of the year in New Zealand, it’s a good time to take stock of our wellbeing and the goals that we may have set for ourselves for 2019.
By the time we reach mid-year we’ve we’ve already spent a lot of energy getting to where we are. We may have achieved some of what we’d set ourselves to accomplish, we’ve likely had a few unforeseen events occur that have altered our planned course, yet we can still feel that we have a mountain ahead of us to climb.
This is a good time to look back at just how much ground we’ve covered and to take inventory which means celebrating our milestones and what we have already achieved; making amendments to goals that have changed or are no longer achievable; setting new achievable goals and correcting our course of action if we need to.
TAKING YOUR PERSONAL WELLNESS INVENTORY
I would like to quote directly from “Mind Over Medicine” written by Lissa Rankin, MD, who has come up with the following categories of optimalhealth that can be used as an example for taking your personal wellness inventory.
“Healthy Relationships, including a strong network of family, friends, loved ones, and colleagues
A healthy, meaningful way to spend your days, whether you work outside the home or in it
A healthy, fully expressed creative life, that allows your soul to sing its song
A healthy spiritual life, including a sense of connection to the sacred in life
A healthy sexual life, that allows you the freedom to express your erotic self and explore fantasies
A healthy financial life, free of undue financial stress, which ensures that the essential needs of your body are met
A healthy environment, free of toxins, natural disaster hazards, radiation, and other unhealthy factors that threaten the health of the body
A healthy mental and emotional life, characterized by optimism and happiness and free of fear, anxiety, depression, and other mental health ailments
A healthy lifestyle that supports the physical health of the body, such as good nutrition, regular exercise, adequate sleep, and avoidance of unhealthy addictions”
Compare your own life in regards to these categories, what matters to you and where you put yourself on this spectrum of optimal health. This will give you an indication of areas of your life that you can celebrate, and areas that you’d like to improve.
CELEBRATE WHAT’S WORKING
It can be helpful to put pen to paper and actually list the things that are working for you, the relationships that you cherish, the material things that you have attained and appreciate, the activities that enliven you, the goals or partial goals that you’ve already achieved this year, the health and wellness that you enjoy in your life right now.
The reason this step is important is because you mustn’t just treat yourself as continual self-improvement project. Yes, there are always things you can improve on no matter what stage of your life you are at, that’s evolution and you are meant to evolve. However, you also need to celebrate your victory’s, to stop and “smell the roses” once in a while.
So CELEBRATE! Celebrate what you’ve achieved in all facets of your life this year so far and actually DO SOMETHING to mark your milestone. It doesn’t have to be big, and it doesn’t have to cost a lot. Just to something in appreciation of yourself and where you’re at right now.
RE-SET YOUR GOALS
Write down those areas of your life that you’ve identified that you’d like to improve on and brainstorm some ideas of how you could start to implement those changes.
It’s important to make these “next-half-of-year-goals” achievable, so that you’re not sabotaging yourself at the outset by trying to accomplish too much. These goals are more of a gentle tweak of your initial goals rather than a full blown re-writing of your life, so go easy and make them attainable.
SET THE WHEELS IN MOTION
Whatever your newly adjusted goals are, just take one small step towards them daily and don’t think about it too much. The thinking part comes in the assessing, planning and setting of the goals according to what it is that YOU want, and what you consider to be achievable. So when it comes to the doing part, thought is not required.
If you lack motivation, it doesn’t matter, take that small step anyway. If you experience feelings of resistance, it doesn’t matter, take that small step anyway. Feelings of resistance come and go and they are not the decider of what you do, YOU ARE.
If, however, the New Zealand winter has paid you a wee visit with a virus, cold, illness or fatigue….Rest, Replenish, Rejuvenate and Restore. Sometimes our illnesses are mother nature’s way of giving us a compulsory break and if this is the case for you, park those goals. They’ll still be there when you have recharged again.
Following from my last blog post: Stress – Are You Its Master or Slave , I’ve noticed a theme in my clinical practice, of people adversely affected by taking on other peoples energy and carrying it around as if it were their own, creating yet another layer of stress for themselves. How often have you caught yourself being consumed by other peoples’ concerns, battles, illnesses, grief, anger or injustices as if they were happening to you?
There is an old adage, “A problem shared is a problem halved” and although this can be true of the person sharing their problem, the one who is listening or supporting, helps neither their loved one nor themselves by carrying something which is not theirs to carry.
In a culture of emerging mental health awareness and a long overdue acknowledgement of the experience of depression that does exist in our society, there is a positive cultural movement of being more available for those in need, being willing to extend a listening ear and not shying away from supporting troubled souls. It is therefore vital for us all to learn to support others without taking on, ‘their stuff” and potentially derailing ourselves in the process.
TURN UP THE VOLUME ON YOUR SELF AWARENESS
The first step in being able to let go of other peoples’ stuff is learning to tell the difference between what is yours and what is theirs. This involves turning up the volume on your own level of self awareness. Becoming self aware is like learning several languages at once; physical, mental, emotional and energetic….each aspect has subtle nuances of sensation and experience. When you are able to perceive through all of your senses what it is that you feel in your body, mind, emotions and energy field at any given time; your awareness of yourself is illuminated, this is your current baseline of awareness. Then, if your baseline equilibrium changes, either physically, mentally, emotionally, or energetically, you can notice when and how it happened and then take measures to re-balance and find your centre again, but that’s only dealing with yourself….how do you tell the difference between what’s yours and what’s theirs?
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT’S YOURS AND THEIRS
An analogy I like to use to explain how to discern between what’s yours and what’s theirs, is that of hanging a coat on a hook: if you hang the coat on the door and there is no hook, the coat will fall to the floor; so if someone tries to ‘hang’ something on you and you don’t have an internal hook or trigger and by this I mean that you do not feel charged up in your response or reaction to them….then its not yours. I need to explain here that it doesn’t mean that you are un-empathic or do not feel anything at all. The subtle difference between feeling what’s theirs and what’s yours, is the level of potency and charge that is felt. For example: when feeling someone else’s stuff, it’s like watching a movie that makes you feel sad, you feel the sadness on a certain level, but when feeling your own stuff, if for example you discover that your pet has died, the sadness you feel is more personal to you and has a much greater potency and charge.
When it comes to feeling others’ stuff, the ‘other’ may be: your partner, family member, friend, stranger, staff member, boss, the collective consciousness of your entire family, your company, a specific group of people or animals, humanity as a whole, your city, your country, the earth herself…..and on and on it goes.
SELF HONESTY AND OWNING WHAT’S YOURS
Self honesty is paramount when it comes to discerning between that which belongs to someone else and that which belongs to you. If what is going on for someone else triggers you to feel charged up about a memory, experience, an idea, a principle or value of yours that has been overlooked or betrayed, a disappointment, a sadness, an embarrassment or humiliation, a shameful event….then its yours and in order to regain your peace of mind and equilibrium, it’s necessary for you to own it and deal with it. Its important here not to blame how or what you feel on someone else. If you feel it with potency and there’s an energetic/electrical charge around it, then even if someone else triggered it, it still belongs to you. Gaining the support of a talking therapist of body practitioner may be beneficial to assist you in processing whatever has been triggered for you in order to find your equilibrium and peace again.
ROLE PLAYING
Sometimes, taking on or carrying the stuff of the ‘other’ can be the result of a role that you’ve been cast in and have continued to play throughout your life, such as: rescuer, carer, organizer, the responsible one, the reliable one, the strong one, the capable one. There may also have been a certain pay off for you in playing this role, e.g. gaining confidence, control, love, being liked, feeling useful, feeling special, feeling strong or even feeling superior. The question to ask yourself is: “Does this role serve you now?” and if so “In what way?”. If you are experiencing the adverse effects of carrying other peoples’ stuff, and you want to change this, it may be necessary to evaluate the role that you have played and give yourself permission to resign from that historical role and take up a position that’s better suited to what you would prefer to experience now.
ENABLING OTHERS
Your intention may be positive in taking the load off others in order to help them, but in doing so, could you be enabling their reliance on you? When you enable other people, by carrying their load for them, you can unintentionally rob them of the inner power and authority that they will gain in the process of learning to be responsible for themselves. You may even resent them for not taking responsibility for themselves and never really see that you could potentially be contributing to the problem by carrying more than your share.
A PERSONAL NOTE
Growing up as a highly sensitive being with an over-developed empathic nature meant that I could feel Everything and Everyone around me like listening to, and experiencing life, with the volume at MAX. I used to find this incredibly overwhelming and anxiety producing as I unconsciously thought that what I was feeling was all mine, and somehow my fault, my karma or whatever my young mind perceived to by my own personal burden. When I first encountered my kinesthetic ability to sense the ailments of ‘others’ within my own body, it totally freaked me out but it did give me my first reference of ‘mine’ and ‘theirs’.
After years of development and understanding of both the interconnectedness and simultaneous separateness between myself and others, I attained a sense of freedom. This freedom came from being able to understand that what I was feeling was simply not all mine, it was a huge relief that dissolved both my personal overwhelm and anxiety, guilt and overdeveloped sense of responsibility for everyone and everything. So the pure awareness that NOT everything I was feeling was mine alone, allowed me to disconnect from the unconscious pressure of continuously carrying all that weight and instead to give myself permission to be able to pick it up and put it down.
So from personal experience, I understand it can be upsetting and frustrating to be unaware of the stress of carrying others’ stuff building up until we are flattened by its weight. It can make us feel very disconnected with ourselves and it can be unnerving and make us question “whats the point” especially if we’re consciously motivated from a positive intention to help others. If anything, let it be yet another of ‘life’s’ encouraging ways of getting you to pay attention to yourself.
FINDING THE WAY THROUGH
As discussed, finding the way through involves learning to understand how we uniquely experience our body, mind, emotions and energy field allows us to have an internal barometer as a measure for when we’re starting to wobble and get out of balance. Resigning from our old historical roles that no longer serve us and intentionally changing this habitual nature by allowing others to carry their own weight and gain their own sense of resilience and inner authority, is incredibly liberating in itself. Then discerning between our own felt experience and that of others is yet another level of subtle re-positioning of ourselves that allows us to navigate through life in a far more deliberate, satisfying and unburdened way.
LIVING WITHIN DUALITY
Living as a human being on earth succumbs us to an existence of experiencing dualities: day/night, dark/light, gravity/weightlessness, bad/good, joy/sorrow, love/fear, them/us…..yet from the quantum perspective, we are all energetically connected and without separation.
So, in terms of quantum energy, there is no ‘them’ to speak of, and everything is all ‘us’. Therefore in the end, whether what we experience is ours or theirs….given that on some level we’re all interconnected and reflect one another, then what is theirs is also ours and our power to effect the world around us lies in how we respond to whatever and whoever it is that we encounter. The art of life as I am continually learning to understand it, is in balancing our separateness and uniqueness with our simultaneous interconnectedness and finding the joy in both.
All too often, the busy-ness of life and the stress that goes along with it, can reduce us to feeling like victims, if we let it. There will always be someone or something else to blame e.g. never enough time; never enough money; too much pressure from the job/boss; the unsympathetic partner/child/parent; the mortgage/rent/debt/tax; the economic system: the government; God…..fill in the blank. The question is though: Who do you want in charge of your life?
BLAMING CREATES VICTIMS
The problem with blame, even if it’s justified, is that it creates a sense of powerlessness in the person doing the blaming, which perpetuates the very same feelings of being victimized. Not a lot can change from maintaining this position. If you want to break this feedback cycle of blame and victimization, it is necessary to regain your sense of power and what YOU can control.
TAKING BACK CONTROL
Taking back control of your life and therefore becoming the master of your stress, involves reconnecting with your emotional and physical body, that is, what you feel and sense. The result of stress is that it disconnects you from yourself, and that’s why you feel powerless….you are emotionally, chemically, physically and literally “under the influence” of stress.
To use the analogy of alcohol, being under the influence of stress is a bit like being drunk, when you are drunk…you cannot simply decide to be sober. Stress is a chemical effect within your body, and to reduce it requires you to take some measures to alter the adrenaline and cortisol release that is activated by the stressor. More on tips to reduce the immediate effects of cortisol and adrenaline, and changing the fundamental pattern of stress a bit later on.
POSITIVE STRESS AND NEGATIVE STRESS
I want to qualify that we all require a certain amount of stress to function in a healthy way, for example – gravity is stress, but it does not create a negative experience of existence. Too much pressure can create muscle tension/aches; anxiety; irritability; digestive issues; sleeplessness; fluctuations in mood; and depression; however too little stress/activity can also result in the very same symptoms.
When seeking to regain control to become the master of your stress, it’s helpful to understand this spectrum and get to know your own optimal threshold of stress and your “happy place” within the spectrum. It’s also important to understand that this optimal threshold is not set in stone, and changes, under the various external influences that life may throw at you as well as the internal influences such as your cellular health. Stages of life can also have an effect on the spectrum of stress tolerance and what you used to be able to tolerate when you were younger can differ when you are older.
WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS
Why is it that at the very same time we are having financial pressures, we also have a tiff with our partner or child, a friend having a difficult time calls us for urgent support, a relative passes away, it’s raining and there a leak in our roof that needs fixing, the cat gets in a fight and needs to be taken to the vet, the shop attendant is rude, and when someone cuts us off in traffic….. it’s then that we scream blue murder, or dissolve into uncontrollable swearing or sobbing. Often its the little things that set us off, and although it may SEEM that everything is happening all at once, we have forgotten that stress is cumulative, and stress may have been building up for weeks, months, years, or even a lifetime.
TAKE STOCK
By the time you have accumulated a bundle of rage, grief, guilt, and fear, that results in physical, chemical and emotional stress, you may not be able to identify all of the individual contributing factors…instead, its like a faceless monster, that you can’t quite define, that robs you of your sleep and your inner peace and leaves you with dread.
It is helpful to take stock and logically assess the length of time the current stress has been going on for. Then look at what stressors may have been occurring before that, and then again before that….so that you have an accurate overview of everything that you’ve had to contend with that may be contributing to your state of stress. The purpose of taking stock is actually to gain some perspective that facilitates you to understand why you are reacting the way you are, and to be kinder to yourself, and give yourself a break.
If in the process of taking stock, you become aware of unresolved traumas that may have occurred in your life that are still affecting you, this is where its important to seek external support from a counselor or psychotherapist. Historical trauma creates invisible stress that needs to be processed and until it is, any changes that you try to make to regain control and become the master of your stress, will be undermined by the root cause.
IMMEDIATE STRESS REDUCTION TECHNIQUES
BREATHE SLOWLY
When you are under the influence of
adrenaline, which gets released through your entire system in moments
of stress, your breathing becomes shallow. As your breathing becomes
shallow, you reduce the flow of oxygen to your brain, your peripheral
muscles contract creating tension, your digestive system stops
functioning optimally as the blood is drawn towards the heart.
To reverse this effect of adrenaline: Slowly inhale for 7 seconds and slowly exhale for 7 seconds, repeat this for 5-20 minutes.
This pattern of breathing will activate the parasympathetic nervous system response which calms your heart-rate, allows increased blood and oxygen flow to your brain, assists in relaxing your muscles, and lets the digestive system function normally.
HUG SOMEONE
Hugging stimulates a release of oxytocin which reduces blood pressure as well as the stress hormones: norepinephrine and cortisol. Try hugging for 20 seconds (it seems like a long time, but this length of time has shown to decrease these hormones involved in the stress response), and I’m not talking about a stiff as a board, non engaging hug; I’m talking about a full, firm, body contact hug where you can really relax with your exhalation. Preferably hug someone that you trust and are close to.
TAPPING
E.F.T. (Emotional Freedom Technique) is a fast and incredibly effective technique for reducing stress by tapping on the acupuncture points which releases physical and emotional energy that gets stored in the electromagnetic field. A really helpful resource which teaches this technique is https://www.thetappingsolution.com
WALK
Take a 15 minute walking break, it releases endorphins which are the body’s natural happy drugs as well as lowering your blood pressure and it also reduces anxiety. Just breathing in fresh air, assists with deeper respiration helping to activate a parasympathetic state. Walking also helps to loosen up muscles that have tightened up from the adrenal response and it also helps with processing of the emotions and gaining mental clarity.
RUN
If you are literally trembling with adrenaline, running or intense aerobic exercise will burn up the adrenaline and help you to feel calmer.
TAKE A BATH WITH EPSOM SALTS
Epsom salts is magnesium sulphate which is a natural muscle relaxant. Using essential oils such as a few drops of lavender in the bathwater can also assist with calming of the mind and the inhalation process helps to deepen the breathing to again activate the parasympathetic state.
TAKE RESCUE REMEDY
Rescue remedy is a homeopathic Bach flower remedy that contains five flower essences to alleviate terror, panic, irritation and impatience, combat inattentiveness, ease shock, and calm irrational thoughts. It can be taken as drops, a spray or digestible pastilles.
LONGER TERM STRESS REDUCTION METHODS
MEDITATION
Both Transcendental Meditation (TM) as well as Mindfulness-based-stress-reduction techniques have shown to reduce cortisol levels up to 30%
EXERCISE
Cardiovascular exercise is a vital part of maintaining good health but aerobic exercise specifically, is great for burning up adrenaline, and it also reduces cortisol levels. Regular aerobic exercise for 20-30 minutes will do the trick.
MASSAGE
Regular massage has also shown to reduce cortisol levels as well as increasing oxytocin, one of our good feeling hormones.
SUPPLEMENTATION
Taking an adrenal support in the form of a supplement can reduce an overactive adrenal system that has become fatigued. Various herbs with adaptogenic properties for helping you to be more resilient to the effects of stress include: Rhodiola rosea; Wythania somnifera – also known as Ashwagandha root extract; Ginseng; Tulsi – also known as holy basil; Astragalis root; and Licorise root. Your local health food shop should be able to supply you with the above.
FOOD TO REDUCE ANXIETY INCLUDE:
Brazil Nuts – high in selenium necessary for a balanced mood
Fatty fish – high in omega 3 which is important for cognitive function; and vitamin D which is also important for mood
Eggs – contain tryptophan, an amino acid that creates serotonin (a good feeling hormone); and vitamin D again for balancing the mood
Pumpkin seeds – high in potassium which reduces anxiety; high in zinc, essential for the part of the brain involved in regulating emotions
Bananas – high in potassium which reduces anxiety
Dark chocolate – high in tryptophan for creating serotonin; magnesium which is a muscle relaxant
Tumeric – the active ingredient curcumin reduces inflammation causing anxiety
A DEEPER FUNDAMENTAL CAUSE THAT CREATES STRESS
APPEASING OTHERS
Always trying to please everybody else,
often results in saying yes when you really want to say no. If you
are feeling at the beckon call of everybody around you, chances are
that you have trained them to call on you by always being available,
and dropping everything to meet their needs. Its admirable to be
helpful and reliable but not when it comes to your own demise.
When people are used to you always
saying yes, they begin to expect it, and so there can be a great deal
of resistance from them if you suddenly decide to say no. The unseen
pressure that you may feel as a result of other peoples expectations
of you, can lead to feelings of resentment towards them and towards
yourself for allowing yourself to be taken for granted in the first
place.
Feeling resentment is fine if it leads you to identify the root cause and make the necessary changes to transform your situation, but resentment left for too long, can fester and cause further anxiety and ill health. The pathway forward towards health, is to learn to say no despite the potential kickback from others, thereby dissolving any resentment you may have directed towards yourself or them, and also to retrain the people around you, thereby releasing yourself from their expectations.
It will most likely not feel natural for you to say no if you are in a habitual pattern of people pleasing, in fact it will probably feel utterly wrong, which may result in feelings of guilt. Still, the pathway forward towards health is to say no anyway.
DIGGING EVEN DEEPER
The even deeper question asks: “Why do you feel the need to appease everybody?” or rephrased “What are you gaining by appeasing everybody?”
The answer may be along the lines of: To feel accepted, To feel liked, To feel loved, To feel valued, To feel respected, To feel important, To feel needed, To feel worthy, and whatever the answer may be for you…it indicates the honest truth about what you feel you are lacking in the first place (which by the way….you are NOT lacking, but if you believe that you are, it will feel like a very real deficit for you).
So when you’ve identified the causal root of what you feel is your personal deficit, that then causes you to say yes to everyone and everything around you, that then causes you to put yourself under enormous pressure, that then causes the very stress that makes you feel like a victim… you have found the way out of the pattern of stress, all that needs to be done is to reverse the pattern….easier said than done if you’ve spent a lifetime constructing it.
Finding your way back home to yourself again is the next stage in this complex journey of un-ravelling. If you feel this pertains to you, it may be helpful to find someone to assist you in navigating your way through this process, such as a life coach, spiritual mentor or intuitive healer. After all is done, true healing is the realization that there was never anything to heal in the first place.
Wishing you insight, courage, strength,
freedom and peace
As the daylight hours decrease in the southern hemisphere, and the temperatures start to reduce, it’s a good time to tune in to your body and make a few adjustments to support your immune system.
Here are a few immunity boosters to implement as the seasons change, in order to resource yourself for the coming winter months.
DETOXING
Autumn and Spring are the best times of
year to detox the body, allowing you to adjust, physically, mentally
and emotionally to the changing seasons. There are a range of detox
kits available for purchase but I prefer to go directly to mother
nature and detox both through elimination as well as nourishment from
the wonderful food sources available to us.
A traditional detox usually involves fasting, (essentially talking liquid but no food), but this is not advised if you’re still maintaining your normal schedule without being able to rest as your body demands e.g. by taking naps if you’re feeling fatigued (not a popular practice if you’re working).
A great alternative to fasting while
still cleansing/detoxing your body is through ingesting pureed foods
instead of solids.
NOURISHING DURING A DETOX
Smoothies, and Soups (which are warm
and nourishing as the days begin to cool down) still provide
nourishment to sustain you while also giving your body a break from
spending energy digesting your food. When the body doesn’t have to
digest food, it has more energy to boost stem cell regeneration and
tissue repair, supporting the immune system.
Drinking a potassium broth (made from
vegetable peelings) improves blood pressure, cardiovascular health,
bone and muscle strength, while also providing essential vitamins and
minerals. It is also a strong alkalizer (which our body loves, as
opposed to our typically acidic state), it assists with
detoxification, hydration, flushes the kidneys thereby reducing water
retention, and helps to get the bowels moving.
A great by-product of cleansing/detoxing is weight loss, as apart from the sheer lack of solid food (which is not sustainable, and not intended to be), the metabolism gets a healthy boost because of the improved cellular functioning. (Not advised if you have diabetes!)
ELIMINATING DURING A DETOX
Yes, detoxing involves elimination but what you choose to eliminate is entirely up to you. Obviously for the greatest noticeable benefit, full elimination of meat, caffeine, dairy, wheat and gluten products, processed foods, sugar, alcohol, drugs, and tobacco is recommended.
However, what we consume is often
driven by emotional states that we want to soothe, so, when we
eliminate whatever we’re consuming to soothe our emotions, we expose
our own emotional driver, which typically doesn’t feel good. This can
expose feelings of anger, sadness, frustration, and general
irritability and as our body starts throwing out excess toxins that
have been stored in the liver. We can also experience physical
discomfort when detoxing such as skin eruptions, head and body aches
and pains, stiff joints, uncomfortable bowel movements and stomach
cramps.
ITS OKAY…all of these uncomfortable physical and emotional symptoms will pass, and once they do, your cells will be humming a happy tune and doing a little happy dance as your energy increases!
IMMUNE BOOSTERS
Probiotics: Probiotics help to increase
your friendly gut bacteria which act as messengers to activate your
immune system and also assist in boosting your mood.
Vitamin C: Vitamin C is a vital antioxidant that has a large protective effect within the body by stopping the cellular damage created by free radicals. It also regenerates cell membranes, that includes skin, muscle, bone, and brain cells so it has a big role in healing. Vitamin C also assists in the absorption of Iron which is also extremely important when it comes to a healthy immune response. Remember that the body cannot produce or store vitamin C so we need to consume it regularly.
The best dietary sources of vitamin C are found in fruits and vegetables such as citrus fruits (orange and grapefruit), kiwifruit, mango, papaya, pineapple, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, and cranberries, watermelon, broccoli, brussels sprouts, and cauliflower, green and red peppers, spinach, cabbage, turnip greens, and other leafy greens, sweet and white potatoes, tomatoes and tomato juice.
IRON: Iron is necessary for the production of immune cells and white blood cells and an iron deficiency can result in having an inadequate immune response. Too much Iron however can inhibit the immune response so a balance is necessary. Symptoms of Iron deficiency include: cold hands and feet, recurrent anxiety, fatigue and tiredness, recurrent infections or infections that do not improve.
Dietary sources of Iron include: eggs (especially egg yolks), liver, lean red meat (especially beef), oysters, poultry, dark red meat, salmon, tuna, whole grains such as brown rice, oats, millet and wheat, beans and lentils (including dried legumes), tofu, baked potatoes, cashews, almonds, brazil nuts, dark green leafy vegetables such as spinach, kale, broccoli and asparagus, dried fruits such as prunes, apricots and raisins, fortified breakfast cereals, whole-grain and enriched breads.
Vitamin D: As the sunlight hours in New Zealand diminish, so does your source of vitamin D which is a major driver of your immune system. Yes, you can get vitamin D via animal products such as oily fish like tuna, salmon, sardines, or herring; beef liver; cheese; and egg yolks but vegetable sources of vitamin D are limited to mainly mushrooms, and avocados which boost the absorption of vitamin D. So, for vegetarians and vegans it’s vital to have some food sources that are fortified with vitamin D such as some dairy products, juices and soy milk, soy beans and oats.
The best way for the body to synthesise
vitamin D is via sun exposure on the skin so taking a vitamin D
supplement during winter is a good way to support your immune system.
Zinc: Zinc is required for multiple functions of immunity including the development and functioning of cells that fight infections and clean up metabolic wastes but also by keeping the cellular functioning of the immune system in balance including the inflammatory process. Dietary sources of zinc include: meat, shellfish, legumes, seeds, nuts, dairy, eggs and whole grains.
Lysine: Lysine is an essential amino acid for building proteins. It assists in the absorption of minerals as well as strengthening cell walls by increasing collagen links and therefore reducing the cellular invasion of bacteria and viruses. Lysine also slows the growth of viruses (specifically herpes) so lysine can assist with the prevention and healing of cold sores.
Dietary sources of lysine include: high-protein foods such as eggs, meat (specifically red meat, lamb, pork, and poultry), soy, beans and peas, cheese (particularly Parmesan), and certain fish (such as cod and sardines).
ANTIVIRALS AND ANTIBACTERIALS
Raw Garlic: Raw Garlic has proven to be an effective killer of bacteria and viruses since ancient times due to its active ingredient allicin. Cooking garlic, destroys the allicin so it needs to be consumed in its raw form to prevent or fight infections. Raw garlic, however, is not pleasant to taste so a suggested method of consumption is to drink a solution of one or more crushed garlic cloves stirred into one third of a cup of water.
Olive Leaf: Olive leaf extract has been
shown in extensive studies to improve immune function as well as
providing antioxidant protection. The incredible germ-killing powers
of olive leaf extract include: destruction of viruses‚ fungi‚
bacteria‚ and disease-causing parasites by stopping the invaders’
ability to reproduce. It does all of this while not harming the “good
bacteria” that your body needs for a strong immune response.
Echinacea: Echinacea extract boosts the immune system by increasing the number of white blood cells responsible to fight infections. It also has powerful antioxidant properties thereby eliminating free radicals that cause cellular damage. Just a note of warning, echinacea may cause side effects, the most common being an upset stomach. If you have an allergy to plants in the daisy family such as chrysanthemums and marigolds, you may be at higher risk of having a reaction to echinacea so it may be best to avoid it.
SLEEP
Let’s not underestimate the importance
of sleep for the optimal functioning of your immune system.
When the body is well rested, it can
restore its natural homeostatic mechanisms that allow it to be in the
best position to fight viruses and bacteria. The key here is
“listening” to your body and following its commands….and NO
you’re not being lazy by resting when you feel tiredness or fatigue
that is out of the ordinary for you.
YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO REST AND
RESTORE!
Wishing you an abundance of health and vitality this season wherever you are.
Throughout our life, we’re presented with multiple opportunities to doubt ourselves. Our past failures, comparison with others, external obstacles or challenges can all lead to a feeling of overwhelm which can derail our best intentions to achieve our goals. Life also presents us with numerous opportunities to succeed and our success in achieving an outcome or attaining a desired state of being, depends on which of our internal voices we’re listening to.
Attempting to navigate our
way to success from a place of self-doubt, is doomed for defeat
because self-doubt is like a rug that we place all of our intentions
on top of, and typically, just when we’re on the verge of succeeding,
our self-doubt will rip that rug out from underneath everything that
we dearly desire and our hopes and dreams tumble down and we find
ourselves powerless and pity-full.
So how do we stop sabotaging our success and dooming ourselves for defeat?
Let me share with you 5
steps that I’ve used to dissolve my own self doubt in order to attain
my goals as well as coaching many others to do the same.
5 STEPS TO DISSOLVING SELF
DOUBT
1: DEFINE SUCCESS
What is your definition of
success? When you think of someone who has succeeded in their field,
or they’ve attained a state of being that you’d like to attain, who
do you think of?
In order to succeed, it’s vital to have a positive view of success. Sometimes we can have negative associations to those that we view as successful, e.g. arrogant, selfish, egocentric or lacking in integrity. If we have associated negative states with achieving success, our best efforts to succeed will be thwarted because they don’t align with our own value system. If this is the case, we need to redefine the meaning of success for ourselves, to align with those values, traits, behaviours and states that we like, admire, prefer and desire.
When our definition of success aligns with our value system, our efforts to succeed in anything, work for us not against us and we stack the odds in our own favour. We need to have an undivided intention to succeed if we are to experience success.
2: LABEL THE SELF DOUBT:
GIVE IT A NAME
This part of the process is fun and may seem a bit silly, but that in itself is an important aspect, as we need to have a sense of humour and be able to laugh at our self-doubt in order to dis-empower it.
Make up a cartoon character name that illustrates the personality of your self-doubt, for example:
Belinda the Bully; Miserable Maude; Vera the Vampire, Sinister Stephen…etc
Imagine what the characters look like in cartoon form and when they speak to you internally, what do they say? e.g. If only I was thinner, better looking, funnier, talented, richer, etc…., or maybe they speak directly to you, e.g. You’re a loser, You’re a failure, You’re a joke. You’re a disappointment..
MISERABLE MAUDE
VERA THE VAMPIRE
SINISTER STEPHEN
I’ve given some fairly obvious examples, but the messages that they give us in the form of our own self-talk can be quite subtle as well, so be discerning. If you are someone who suffers from self doubt and you probably are because you’re reading this, then you’ll likely be all too familiar with the kind of self talk that continually derails you.
The most important thing here is to identify these characters as separate from yourself. You may have more than one character or personality that self-doubt features as, it doesn’t matter, just label them all.
3: CATCH THE CHARACTERS IN ACTION
Identify which character is speaking to you when that internal voice of self-doubt shows up. You’ve got to get clever at being able to catch them when they’re at work doing their best to sabotage you.
These internal characters are actually just less evolved, un-integrated aspects of ourselves and ways of being that we adopted at some stage of our life, through beliefs that we absorbed, or assumptions or decisions that we made about ourselves that simply do not serve us. Instead, what happens is that WE end up serving THEM and they rule over us, hypnotizing us with their self defeating words and we all too quickly come under the spell of what they’re saying because we have identified with them as who we really are.
YOUR SELF DOUBT IS NOT WHO YOU ARE!!
If you really want to overcome your self-doubt and the detrimental effects that it has in your life, its important to view these aspects (characters) as separate from yourself because they do NOT represent your innate awesomeness. You’re bigger than them!
4: CALL THEM OUT ON IT
When
we identify these characters through
the ways
that they are speaking to us internally via our thoughts, we need to
call them by their name e.g. “Oh its you again “Deceitful Donald”
I can hear you but I disagree with what you’re
saying and we’re doing things my way from now on”.
If someone you knew, burst out with a whole lot of insults directed towards you, you’d most likely have something to say back to them in the form of a disagreement….this is what I’m inviting you to do with your own negative internal voices, disagree with them so you can re-assert your position as being in charge of your own life.
In other words, when self-doubt arises within us, we need to recognize it for what it is and simply say “SO WHAT”. Rather than being obedient to the instruction of self-doubt within us, we need to say “So what if I have a little self doubt…I’m not going to let it stop me from doing what I want to do or from becoming what I want to be in my life.”
5: FOCUS ON YOUR GOAL
The way that we move forward in our lives is much like driving a car – we have to see where we’re going and keep our focus and attention on what is happening in front of us. Sure, sometimes we have to use our rear-vision mirror/camera to reverse so that we can change direction but we then re-direct our focus to whats ahead.
Self-doubt is a bit like trying to drive forward while looking in the rear-vision mirror/camera instead of focusing on where we’re wanting to go and whats in front of us.
Our internal doubts are often anchored in the past and use historic reference points as evidence to prove that we are destined to fail so why even bother trying? Self-doubt is merely a distraction from what what we really want to achieve, attain, experience or become.
So stop allowing yourself to be distracted by those negative voices and re-focus on your goal! What is it that you really want?
If this is where you get stumped because you don’t know or you feel unsure about what you truly desire, let me give you a hint: whatever it is, it will involve joy, excitement, energy, health, love, peace, purpose, meaning, fulfillment, satisfaction, contentment and the resources need to achieve and maintain these states….so focus on attaining these states as your overall goal!!!
NO MORE EXCUSES
Saying “SO WHAT” to self-doubt is about not giving yourself an excuse to live a life of limitations, because most of the limitations that life actually presents to you are determined by you.
Yes, you may have experienced challenges, obstacles, traumas and hurts that have left scars both seen and unseen, and maybe you’re still healing from these. So take the time that you need to heal, gather around you the people and practices that support you and then redefine yourself and how you’d like the rest of your life to be.
Its up to you if you allow yourself to be defined by the doubt that erodes the self, or create a new definition for yourself, one that involves succeeding in whatever you set your intention to be, the power is yours!
